Why i resent my husband

And while women are becoming less likely to bear the burden of sacrifices for a relationship or work-life balance entirely on their own, a survey found that cultural expectations about women, housework and childcare can be the seed for seething resentment. But couples can develop resentments about virtually anything. How do you know that you're resenting your partner if you aren't, say, actually poking a voodoo doll with their name on it every night?

If you're recycling the same anger over and over again without resolving it, the chances are strong that you've got a big case of discontent. But your relationship isn't doomed if you realize that you've been feeling resentful. Read on to see if any of the four signs below resonate with you — and find out what you can do about them. Bringing up the fact that they met their ex for coffee four years ago — in totally unrelated arguments — is a classic sign of resentment, Dr.

Jackman says. Repetitively replaying the feeling of a past wrong makes it sting even more intensely, as you relive your emotions every time. Feeling repeatedly angry is a key aspect, and the constant return of annoying or upsetting memories is the most distinctive sign that it's present in your feelings towards your partner.

If you find yourself constantly returning to particular incidents say, that time you gave up a job to move to their city, or the time they forgot your birthday , you've started to feel resentment. Resentment is also often tied to regret. If your regrets are related to the decisions you've made as regards your relationship i. A study in published in Scientific Reports found that holding onto this resentment may also cause people greater life dissatisfaction and lower emotional health.

There are several conversational signs that you resent your partner, Dr. This, Dr. Jackman notes, is why passive aggression can be heavily tied to resentment. Conflict resolution styles are a way of describing the different ways in which people try to solve fights, whether it's with their workmates or their partners. There are four different styles of conflict resolution: competition, collaboration, accommodation, and avoidance. People who use the last style tend to be passive, unwilling to actually confront anything, and often deflect or try to escape dealing with the issue.

If that sounds like you dealing with problems in your relationship, resentment can creep in very easily. If you're in a relationship where you both try to avoid conflict as much as possible, your conversations about topics that shouldn't induce anger might show off your resentment anyway, by being weirdly nasty. I finally figured out that criticizing him made him shut down, so I decided to stop. Instead of thinking he could read my mind or SEE what needed to be done, like the laundry basket I intentionally left sitting in the middle of the family room, I started telling him that I needed help with certain things.

What I really want is for us to enjoy time together. Sometimes, I actually noticed, I just needed someone to be irritated with and he was an easy target. Now what? The truth was, she had a great point. I forget, not often, but I do. There are plenty of things I do that get on his nerves that he could resent about me. I mean, what is your resentment going to accomplish in your relationship? At the very best you will be two people who figure out how to co-exist in the same house. Is that how you want to live?

At that moment, I decided I was going to kick ongoing resentment out of our house and relationship. If I believe that it is conversation-worthy, I ask my husband for a good time to talk. PRO-TIP : We have learned that if you are tired, hungry, or angry, that is not the time to try and have a conversation.

Again and again, responses landed in the following three categories: Adult friendships, self-care, and passion. I coined this the Happiness Trio. Some of my favorite responses:. What became clear to me the more I dug into the Happiness Trio is that, over time and especially after kids, the very things that make us the happiest are what our partners resent most about us.

Sounds counter-intuitive, right? But what I discovered is that when there is perceived unfairness or unclear expectations in the household division of labor, we resent our partners for engaging in activities that make them happy. And it goes both ways. In fact, according to findings from Natsal-3, In other words, when expectations were not aligned and responsibilities were not clearly assigned between partners, men reported a sense of unfairness.

This tit-for-tat can have an unfortunate ending for your relationship. When we prevent our partners from engaging in The Happiness Trio, our marriages are strongly likely to fail. On top of that, research shows that our individual health can be significantly compromised when our home life becomes all work and no play.

Furthermore, time spent on friendships, self-care, and activities that stoke your personal interests and passions are indicated as the keys to long-term physical and mental wellness. This is the real mid-life crisis which no new car, new breast implants, or affair will fix. Understanding that the Happiness Trio is vital to your longevity, individual contentment and a happy marriage is meaningful awareness. An important starting point, for sure.